Regaining Trust
We’ve all been betrayed. Whether it was our child, our parent, our spouse, a neighbor, co-worker, friend, boss etc. After betrayal one of the first decisions we must make is whether we are going to release or renew the relationship.
Should you decide you want to renew the relationship gaining trust is crucial. Here are a few tips on regaining trust.
#1) Communication.
Often a betrayal occurs from long-term lack of solid/respectful communication. Regardless, this is one of the key elements of regaining trust. Continual and constant honest communication. If communication is challenging try some strategies such as setting a timer (for fifteen minutes) to talk about the betrayal.
#2) Connection/consistency.
If you are the one that broke trust what you say must match what you do! If you say you are going out for pizza and wings but go out and have pizza and garlic knots that’s not being consistent. Every minor detail of every breath you take MUST be honest and consistent. Over time this honesty will start building the bridges of connection which ultimately heal and help regain trust.
#3) Be the Hero in Your Story.
If every time you go over what happened in your mind or every time you share what happened with others the focus is on the betrayer than your story is all about the other person not you. You be the hero in your story not the victim. If you chose to renew the relationship than do what you must to work on forgiving and rewrite/reframe your story in a way where you are the focus/hero, not who betrayed you.
#4) No One is All Good or All Bad.
When we are betrayed by someone – especially someone close – we tend to paint our entire history with them with a broad negative brush. Now, all of the sudden, they are a horrible person and always have been. The truth is they are human and made a horrible (or many over many years) decision/mistake but that doesn’t make their entire existence, or your history together, entirely bad.
Our relationships are on a complex spectrum. Not one thing makes someone – or our relationship with them – all good or all bad. Change the story you have created about this person because out of everyone in the world we believe ourselves the most. Bottom line if you love someone you must be vulnerable. Vulnerability will, at times, hurt us. Vulnerability, hurt, betrayal, growing pains etc. are all just a part of life, unfortunately. Regaining trust with someone who betrayed you will not be easy, and, in fact, regaining trust may be a long road ahead. But life, and our happiness, is 10% what’s handed to us and 90% how we choose to deal with it.
